


all your thoughts running through your head

by whatdoiknowx



Series: PFF Bingo 2018 [3]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Gender Identity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-08
Updated: 2018-10-08
Packaged: 2019-07-27 23:25:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,206
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16229480
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whatdoiknowx/pseuds/whatdoiknowx
Summary: phil accidentally discovers something dan is hidingaka phil exposes a secret. Written for the PFF Bingo 2018 (prompt: exposure)





	all your thoughts running through your head

The first time Dan tries on a skirt - not in a jokey way, or messing around as a child, but really tries on a skirt - is when Phil is miles away, home visiting his parents. He feels an inkling of shame, and he can't quite put his finger on whether it's because he's wearing a skirt, or because he waited until Phil was away to do it. Maybe it's both. Maybe it's neither.

Maybe he's feeling shame because he _thinks_ he should be feeling shame, because purposefully hiding this from Phil means it _must_ be something he should feel embarrassed about. 

Dan prides himself on thinking through his feelings, on being philosophical and understanding the what and why behind his actions, his thoughts. Maybe that's why he's doing this.

Or maybe he really does just want to wear a skirt. 

Dan sighs, standing up from the bed where he'd immediately sat down to think after putting the skirt on. Always bloody thinking. He sometimes wishes he could turn that side of himself off, but at the same time, he relishes in it.

He finally turns to face the mirror, several minutes after putting the skirt on. He doesn't know what he wants to feel when he looks in that mirror, whether he wants to love it or hate it.

He sort of hates it. Well, he doesn't _hate_ it, but he doesn't like it either. The shape doesn't flatter him, the colour is all wrong, the material looks strange against his figure. 

Or maybe that's what society wants him to think. Maybe he would think he looked great in a short pink skirt if society hadn't been telling him for years that he wouldn't. 

Dan sighs again, flopping back onto the bed. His head is starting to hurt a little. He'd held out hope that this would be a satisfying experiment, but he just feels even more frustrated than ever. 

The skirt ends up shoved into a box at the back of their closet, and Dan spends the rest of the night distracting himself with Mario Kart.

\----

Dan had liked the black nail polish he'd gotten from a fan, had thought it actually looked kind of cool and pretty on his nails. 

The purple shade, on the other hand, looks terrible. As does the baby blue, and the glossy mint. 

Phil is still out for dinner with his brother when Dan scrubs the last of the nail polish off, internally debating if he doesn't like the more 'feminine' colours because of his penchant for black, or if there is a more deep-rooted reason behind it.

The nail polishes are chucked in the box with the skirt.

\----

The silk women's underwear are nice. Dan admires himself in the mirror while Phil takes a shower. They are a red pair, and though Dan usually goes for more neutral black and grey pant choices these days, he appreciates that the red shade looks quite nice on him.

He feels pretty, sexy even, as he traces his finger along the lacy trim. The cut isn't really made for people with penises, his cock needs to be tucked along the waistband, but Dan feels that he quite likes that, likes the cool, soft material against his skin.

He's feeling confident as he slips a pair of joggers on and heads to the kitchen to find something for breakfast. He feels good, feels like he's sorting things out in his head.

That feeling starts disappearing by early evening. He's no longer distracted by answering emails and filming a couple gaming videos with Phil, and suddenly his mind is at war with him again. 

Why is it _this_ that he likes? Is it because it's hidden? Is it because it can be passed off as something more akin to kink, than to whatever Dan's trying to figure out about himself? 

The underwear ends up shoved in that same box - after Dan has time to secretly wash them, of course - and Dan hasn't felt this conflicted over something in a long time.

\----

He discovers that he likes the look of eyeliner, once he figures out how to decently apply it along his upper lash line. He doesn't mind a bit of mascara either, as long as he doesn't look too over-done. 

Eyeshadow, contour, highlight, blush, lipstick - those, on the other hand, he pretty much abhors. 

Okay, maybe that's too strong a word, but they just don't look _right_ on him. He doesn't feel good with that stuff on his face. He sort of thinks the blush looks pretty, and the more natural lip glosses kind of suit him, but it doesn't _feel_ right to him. 

Dan drops his head onto the desk, in front of the mirror he had set up there. He had liked the mascara and eyeliner though, had actually really loved the eyeliner. That must mean _something_ , right? 

But does it really? Is eyeliner really that far away from masculinity, in the grand scheme of things? A lot of male-identifying people wore eyeliner. 

Dan tosses the makeup into the box, hiding it back in the closet, feeling ready to give up on this, whatever _this_ is.

\----

He doesn't forget about the box, but he also doesn't see it either, not for a few weeks. Not until Phil shows up in the living room with it, standing in front of Dan with a curious but careful look on his face.

Dan freezes for a second, his game controller slipping out of his hands onto the couch as he stares at the box, at Phil's face, then back at the box again. He catches himself a moment later, taking a breath he didn't realize he was holding and pausing the game. 

He puts the controller on the table beside him and tucks his legs up on the sofa. This is probably not going to be a short conversation.

"I uh - I found this in the closet." Phil places the box on the table in front of the sofa, and sits down, a bit hesitantly.

Dan nods.

"Do you - Is there - Uh - " 

Dan sighs. Phil must take that as a bad sign, as something Phil did wrong, because he immediately starts speaking again.

"It's fine." He speaks quickly, like he suddenly realizes he should be reassuring Dan, which makes Dan almost chuckle. It's just like Phil to feel responsible in a situation like this. "I don't care. Or like, I care, if you want me to care." He stops, taking a breath, and rolling his eyes at himself. "Sorry, I'm being all spastic."

Dan does laugh this time, a small giggle. He slides a little closer to Phil, momentarily placing a reassuring hand on his shoulder. "You're fine, mate. I know you're probably, like, confused and shit."

Phil nods. "You don't have to, I don't know, explain yourself, obviously." He shrugs tentatively. "You were hiding all this though, right?" He states the obvious, gesturing towards the box on the table.

Dan nods, feeling the shameful feeling wash over him again. He never really hides things from Phil, not anymore, not after they'd learned some of the deepest and scariest parts of each other.

Phil's words repeat his thoughts. "We never hide things. So I'm just, you know. Worried. That you thought you couldn't talk to me. About whatever this is." He looks straight into Dan's eyes, and Dan can tell that he's purposefully trying to force himself to make eye contact, that he doesn't want Dan to think he's _avoiding_ eye contact. "Are you - do you want... do you feel you're, like, a girl? Or - "

Dan shakes his head, but Phil plunges on.

"Because if you are, if that's what you, you know, feel. That's fine with me. That's great with me. I love you no matter what, and I'll always support you, and - "

"Phil, babe, take a breath." Dan almost laughs at how hard Phil is trying, but he also feels his heart swell with love and fondness. He knows Phil really would be there for him through anything. "It's not that, not really."

Phil wipes his hands against his own sweatpants, and Dan notices how sweaty they are. Dan feels his own set of nerves, because no matter how many times they have deep, serious discussions, talking about his feelings is still not the easiest thing. 

"You know how I've been talking a bit about gender lately, and what it all means, and stuff?"

Phil nods, leaning back against the sofa, looking more relaxed than when he first sat down. "I didn't know it was... personal."

Dan shrugs. "Yeah." He crosses his legs, turning his body to face Phil more comfortably. He drums his fingers along his own thighs. "I didn't really either. Not really."

Phil hums quietly in response, a gesture for Dan to continue.

"But then I got to thinking, like, maybe the stuff I'd been reading about, thinking about, does apply to me?" He shrugs again. "I was just confused. Still am, I guess."

Phil crosses his own legs, knees bumping against Dan's. "But you don't feel like a girl?" He cocks his head slightly, like he's really trying to get a grasp on what Dan's saying. Dan loves that about him, that he doesn't always completely understand the journeys of never-ending plunging holes of thought that Dan goes on, but that he always tries to at least be there for Dan and help him climb his way out of those holes.

"No, I don't think so." Dan sighs again. Here comes that constant circle of doubt and analysis again. "But what does that even mean? What is femininity? What does anything even _mean_?" 

He drops his head into his hands, and feels the comforting weight of Phil's hand on his thigh.

"I think I feel like a guy," Dan continues, lifting his head back up. "Or maybe, somewhere in between." 

"Okay," Phil squeezes his thigh. "Either is good." 

"And labels are fucked anyway." Dan shakes his head. "I don't know why I thought putting on a skirt and some blush would tell me anything." 

Phil hums encouragingly, waiting for Dan to finish a train of thought that he didn't even know himself he was in the middle of.

"Well, I do know, I guess. I wanted to know if I was repressing any of those things, any of my true self, if I didn't like those so-called "feminine" things because I really didn't like them, or because I wasn't supposed to like them."

"And do you like any?" Phil nods at the box.

"Mostly, no." Dan snorts. "The skirt looked fucking shit on me, Phil, you would have cracked up."

Phil grins, a cheeky look growing on his face. "I bet it looked hot."

Dan shakes his head emphatically. "Trust me, no. Just, no." 

"Maybe you just need to try a different style."

"Do you have some sort of skirt kink, Phil?" Dan teases.

"Shut up." Phil swats Dan's thigh. "I'm trying to be encouraging." A smile plays on his lips. "And yeah, maybe you'd look kind of hot."

Dan raises an eyebrow. "Well, I did like the silk underwear, if that intrigues you at all," he says, a teasing lilt to his voice.

Phil's eyes widen slightly, but then he appears to school his reaction. "I'm allowed for that image to turn me on, right?" 

Dan laughs loudly. "Yeah, babe."

"Okay, good. I don't want to be disrespectful or whatever to the whole point of that," he gestures at the box and the items contained in it, "but I wouldn't mind you wearing those again. If you wanted."

Dan laughs again. "You kinky fuck."

Phil giggles, but then his face turns more serious again. "Was there any particular reason you were hiding this from me? I'm not mad, I just hope you didn't feel like you _had_ to hide it."

Dan contemplates for a moment. "I don't think I was really worried about you finding out about it." He knows that's true, feels it in his gut that he can trust Phil with anything. "I would have found a better hiding spot if I was really concerned about that."

Phil giggles softly.

"I guess I just... was a bit embarrassed. And I don't really know why, but I think that's something I still need to work through, I guess." Dan twiddles his thumbs, but relaxes his side against the back of the sofa. "I think it seemed like both a silly and important thing at the same time, and I felt a bit weird for maybe still not really knowing myself?" 

"But you're feeling better about it all now?"

"Yeah, mostly." Dan smiles, looking into the safety of Phil's warm eyes. "I still feel confused as fuck about a lot of things, but I feel better about feeling confused." He laughs, and Phil grins back. "I'm definitely throwing out most of those things though," he gestures at the box, "because one thing I know for sure is that most of it was _not_ for me."

Phil smirks. "You're keeping the pants though, right?"

Dan rolls his eyes exaggeratedly, flicking Phil on the nose, despite the grin growing on his own face. "Yes, Phil, I'm keeping the pants."

**Author's Note:**

> Title from "Since We're Alone" by Niall Horan
> 
>  
> 
> tumblr post [ here ](https://onedirectionticketss1.tumblr.com/post/178841980603/title-all-your-thoughts-running-through-your)


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